


Shattered

by RestlessCancer



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 'Real Life' AU, Based on a True Story AU, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Partly based off "Twisted" by Skylar Grey and Eminem and Yelawolf, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-28 05:05:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10824369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RestlessCancer/pseuds/RestlessCancer
Summary: This story is based off a very current and true story. Some characters are legit people or based off legit people.Castiel was born into a world he wasn't meant for. Everyone kept calling him an 'old soul' because he was smarter than most kids his age. Did it count if he was exposed to some of the things that other kids could have nightmares about, though? How does Castiel deal with a life where Death is more constant and present than his own parents? His parents are fucked up and he's afraid to turn into them, but how is he supposed to change when all he sees is them and their insanity?





	Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> I hesitate to explain where the 'true story' part comes in, but I guess I should explain. The entire plot line is based off my actual life growing up, though my memory is absolute shit on some details and points in time. I needed a way to get this all out of my head because even more than usual, thoughts about my life growing up have been plaguing me so I thought I'd use my 'skill' with writing to get it out and the only fictional characters I could see fitting the roles were the ones from Supernatural. \
> 
> So here's to 20 years of fucking up and hating myself and my life. Sorry, Castiel that you ended up playing me.
> 
> \- Liz
> 
> Also, if any of you who read this decide to be super rude about this or anything like that, this piece will cease to exist and I'll probably stop writing for awhile or maybe even delete this account because it's not worth getting even more hate in my life.

_"You sit there stone-faced, as if I'm not here_   
_Can't you see that I've been crying?_   
_I didn't know you'd be insane_   
_Dreams can be so deceiving_   
_You're an itch I can't reach, a wound that won't heal_   
_The smell of skin that's burning_   
_I didn't know you'd be insane_   
_But it's true, and just say all I am to you is a_

_Pain in my neck, thorn in my side_   
_Stain on my blade, blood on my knife_   
_Been dreaming of her, all of my life_   
_But she won't come true, she's just my nightmare I woke up to_

_She's twisted, he's a rebel, she's sick, he's hard to handle_   
_The worst part of all is he just don't care_   
_She's twisted like a rope, that is wrapped around his throat_   
_But the worst part of all is she really don't give a (shit)_   
_(She don't give a shit)_

_Sometimes I wish that you'd just die_   
_'Cause I'm too afraid of leaving_   
_I didn't know you'd be insane_   
_Dreams can be so deceiving_   
_(How did it come to this?_   
_Why do I fantasize to kill you when you're sleeping?)_   
_I didn't know you feel the same_   
_When I say you're no good, all you are to me, is a_

_Pain in my neck, thorn in my side_   
_Stain on my blade, blood on my knife_   
_Been dreaming of her, all of my life_   
_But she won't come true, she's just my nightmare I woke up to_

_She's twisted, he's a rebel, she's sick, he's hard to handle_   
_The worst part of all is he just don't care_   
_She's twisted like a rope, that is wrapped around his throat_   
_But the worst part of all is she really don't give a_

_Love ain't no fairytale, love is a buried nail_   
_Inside of this heart of stone, so you wanna get married? Well_   
_Romeo, Romeo, smokin' blow with Antonio_   
_In the back alley takin' shots of whiskey and only gold_   
_Juliet's at the nudie bar, doin' God only knows_   
_Neither one of 'em came to see the dog and the pony show_   
_But a bitch is a bitch, and a horse is a horse, ain't it?_   
_Sorry, I can't afford to get your daddy's old Porsche painted_   
_Sorry, Juliet that you embedded the sayin'_   
_If a dollar makes you holler, well then I'm gettin' the short change of it_   
_Feel like I've been asleepin' alone and lovin' this angel_   
_Entangled between a dream and a coma_   
_Walkin' the edge of this cliff, like a sheep to it's owner_   
_Then wake up to this fuckin' bitch with an evil persona_   
_Now if you say that you hate somebody and you livin' with them_   
_Then they pack up and leave and then you bitch about how you miss 'em_   
_You gotta see the pattern of the blood all over the steerin' wheel_   
_Love is a cannibal ridin' a carnival carousel_   
_'Round and 'round we roll, where it stops, baby nobody knows_   
_Some people go crazy and they lose control_   
_Some people jump off, some people won't let go_   
_Some people say love, some people say why_   
_Some people don't love, they just want a free ride_   
_The rain won't stop, it'll never dry_   
_If she's in the house of pain then love is standin' outside_

_She's twisted, he's a rebel, she's sick, he's hard to handle_   
_The worst part of all is he just don't care_   
_She's twisted like a rope, that is wrapped around his throat_   
_But the worst part of all is she really don't give a (shit)_   
_(She don't give a shit)_

_But maybe I'm the twisted one that screwed this up_   
_So I guess this means goodbye, for now"_

\- Skylar Grey ft. Eminem and Yelawolf, "Twisted"

 

It was broad daylight so he couldn’t understand why they were fighting. The fighting only happened at night, under the cloak of darkness where no attention could be drawn- not that they were easy to draw attention to being way out on the edge of the city limits. He was trying to focus on what it was like before then… Before he turned five and everything seemed to fall apart. But for whatever reason, he couldn’t remember that far back. He had no idea if he’d ever been forgotten or ignored because his parents were bickering about something that he barely caught bits and pieces of. One of his brothers was hiding upstairs in his room. The other two were somewhere else entirely. The oldest, Michael, was happily married down in Florida and Raphael, the second oldest, was about to get married to his high school sweetheart- whatever that meant. Then there was Gabriel, the third oldest, who was a social butterfly only four years older than Castiel himself. Castiel was sitting on the stairwell and listening to his parents shout at each other for the millionth time that week. 

 

They tried to scare his dad, yes- his- because they all had different dads except for Michael and Raphael who shared the same dad, off with water balloons they they filled in the upstairs bathroom. Gabriel had opened the window and encouraged Castiel to help throw them at his dad, Mitchell’s, little forest green Chrysler neon. That only pissed Cas’ dad off more as he had fish-tailed out of the long gravel driveway. Castiel was starting to think that’s what caused this particular fight, but he couldn’t be sure. He was only five years old and just starting kindergarten so even if he heard the words, that didn’t mean he understood all of them and their meaning, especially in context. Eventually, Mitchell stormed out and took off for a mid-day shift at work, off to Donaldson’s where he’d be one of their primary welders. He’d see Cas’ Papa Mike there, though that probably only pissed him off more. Mitchell was pretty sure that Cas’ mom, Theresa, was cheating on him with her ex-boyfriend Mike, though Castiel knew nothing of this at age five. Theresa came to collect her boys, calling Gabriel downstairs as she picked Castiel up and grabbed her purse.

 

“Where are we going, Mom?” Gabriel asked, pulling his shoes on.

 

“I have to take you and your brother to get your shots done,” Theresa explained, slipping on her shoes one-handed even though Castiel was perfectly capable of standing and walking on his own. “The schools called and reminded me that they needed it done and added to your records. They don’t want to risk you boys getting sick and missing school.”

 

With that, they were loaded into the van, affectionately known as Big Red since it was red monstrosity with with gold panels on the outside and tan interior, and headed into town to the clinic. Once there, they checked in at the nurses’ station and waited to be call back. It was a bit of a wait so Castiel sat on his mom’s lap and looked around the lobby. It was pretty plain and sterile with pale blue walls that had white borders to them and ugly graphite colored carpet with confetti like dots of other colors. The chairs were very basic, metal frame with very little padding where the blue leather covered. His observations were interrupted by the nurse calling them back. It seemed like too soon Castiel was the one sitting on the sterile, paper-lined table. He couldn’t remember getting a shot before so he watched as the nurse carefully pinched his thigh close to his knee and inserted the needle- he definitely hated needles from then on. It was very unpleasant. He looked to Theresa who gave him a sympathetic smile. She happily took him back in her arms and they left shortly after the nurse had bandaged the spot where the needle had been. 

 

Soon, they were back home again. Something about that shot made it very painful to bend and straighten his leg so he limped through the decrepit farmhouse and out to the yard. A year or so ago, they had gotten cats. Castiel couldn’t remember much about that night, but he did remember feeling awful for their kittens, who were in cardboard boxes as they drove home in Big Red. Gabriel got a female cat that was later named Angel. Castiel, being so young, simply named his Laydown. Mom named hers Mugsie because she had the same face as Persian or a Pug. Because they weren’t allowed to keep the kitties inside, the wild toms found their cats- except for poor Castiel’s since Laydown was run over by a car- probably Daddy’s if he’s honest… Daddy never did pay attention to the cats, only the humans and other cars… So now Castiel had Daphne, one of Angel’s kittens, thanks to Gabriel feeling bad for his little brother. That shoe box still haunted the youngest’s nightmares. Daphne joined him on the porch steps. She was such a sweet cat and he loved her. He wished Daddy would just stop making Mom mad… Apparently, Daphne thought the same thing since she mewled at him. She was so pretty and cuddly... A tuxie, only black and white with the most beautiful green eyes. 

 

~-~

 

Castiel was so annoyed and uncomfortable. School was back in session with a bout of lice in the mix. Castiel wasn’t sure how the hell he’d gotten it but Theresa’s cure was the last way he wanted to get rid of the little pests. Mom had blown up the air mattress in the kitchen, put on clean sheets and a throw blanket, set up the TV and DVD player from the living room on the kitchen table, and thrown Elf in the player. She proceeded to smear large globs of mayo in his hair and put a shower cap over it. He was never ever going to eat mayo again. 

 

He dutifully laid back and waited for the condiment to drown and suffocate the irritating bugs that were clinging to his scalp as Will Ferrell paraded around as Buddy the Elf, who was apparently completely clueless about modern society from living in the North Pole. The best part was when Zooey Deschanel showed up as one of the workers at the store that ‘Buddy’ started working at. She was so crazy pretty and had a very lovely singing voice. The movie was just silly and all over the place. By the time the credits were rolling, Mom came back and helped him wash the mayo out of his hair in the kitchen sink. Then, she took a special comb and went through every follicle to brush the corpses away. He definitely wasn’t staying at Lindley’s anytime soon… Castiel sighed, surprisingly content. He loved it when Mom brushed his hair, something about the follicle stimulation relaxed him deeply.

 

~-~

 

It was Christmas time. Mom and Daddy let them bring Angel, Daphne, and Mugsie inside for the day. Winter had come and left a nice thick layer of powdery white snow everywhere. The rest of the cats were burrowed in the old blankets they left on the covered porch so it wasn’t like they weren’t safe from the elements, though they all wished they could bring them in anyways, but with as many cats as they had at this point, they couldn’t keep track of them. Castiel had tried to surprise his parents with breakfast while everyone was still asleep- especially while Gabriel wasn’t there to tell him that he might as well not have since he could only do cereal and toast being in elementary school and unable to reach most things anyway. He had just made toast and went to unplug the toaster like his parents always reminded him to do- it could cause a fire, they’d say- when Daddy came down with his 10 ounce lidded mug. Cas hadn’t heard the man come down the stairs so he panicked and smacked his little forearm down on the top of the burning hot metal of the toaster as he was reaching over to grab the cord. 

 

“Castiel?” Mitchell prompted, setting his mug down and feeling bad as his son turned around with the threat of tears in his eyes. “What happened?”

 

“I-I burnt my… my arm…” Castiel cried, showing his daddy the burn on his forearm.

 

Daddy had helped him clean and cover it properly, apologizing for startling his boy. Castiel had explained that he just wanted to surprise them with breakfast. Daddy thanked him and later they were all in the living room opening presents with the cats snatching up the wrapping paper to play with. Gabriel and Castiel had gotten their own tiny TVs and VCRs and DVD players along with toys, movies and clothes. Gabriel had even gotten a kick-ass new stereo. Castiel was so excited he had practically tackled his parents with joy, especially when Daddy set up his TV and combination DVD and VCR player. He watched one of the new movies he’d gotten, it was called “The Little Polar Bear.” It was a super cute movie about a baby polar bear named Lars that was a bit of an outcast and how he saves his fellow polar bears by finding and stopping the big metal boat that was taking their fish away while making friend with a young Eskimo girl. Castiel loved the movie to pieces and it would be watched many more times over the years, though it would become more and more depressing to watch.

 

~-~

 

Castiel was super excited. A new Winnie the Pooh movie had just come out. Mom and Daddy had surprised him and Gabriel by renting it and they were going to watch it in their parents’ bedroom. The four of them were cuddled up on the huge queen-sized bed as the movie began. The title screen read “Piglet’s Big Movie.” Castiel was cuddled up to Daddy- always Daddy’s Little Man- and Gabriel was cuddled up to Mom. The only light other than the TV was Mom’s bronze touch lamp with the glass panels painted with horses running through a field. As the movie progressed, Castiel started to feel it tug at his emotions. Piglet just kept being tossed to the side because he was too small to help anything. He wasn’t helpful to anyone no matter who they were or what they needed to get done. Nearly half way through, Castiel excused himself, claiming he had to pee and left his parents’ room. He ran down the hall to the bathroom he shared with Gabriel and locked the door. He was full on sobbing and he wasn’t even sure why. He didn’t think he was relating to it that much… Yet, he here was crying his eyes out over a fictional animated movie. He felt like such a baby and he hated it.

 

~-~

 

Mom was pissed and Daddy had already screeched out of the driveway in his car. Gabriel wasn’t allowed to sleep in his own room that night so they had to pull the trundle out from underneath Castiel’s daybed. Mom had a fly swatter in her hand and she made sure to give Gabriel and him a good swat each, even though they weren’t even close to flies. Gabriel wouldn’t talk to him, but at that point Castiel couldn’t remember what they were even in trouble for. Probably for something bad he helped Gabriel do. Now that he really thought about it, Mom was probably ticked off because they did the water balloon thing again… Soon, his big brother was asleep while Cas was still tossing and turning in bed. Eventually, he tired himself out and fell into a nightmare plagued sleep. When he woke up, he was most certainly ashamed and upset. He had wet the bed once again. Gabriel groaned in irritation. Mom came in a bit later and helped Castiel clean up after his accident. Why did this keep happening to him? He was too old to keep wetting the bed like a baby…

 

~-~

 

The Landlord of their farmhouse was kicking them out. He had a daughter who needed a place to live and he wanted to give the place to her. Why he would want his little girl to stay in such a crappy house was beyond the little family unit. They packed everything up and started moving it to a tiny two-story next door to Mom’s brother and Castiel’s Uncle Jim, who was very nice and always spoiled the boys but he was a little crazy after some of the stuff he’s been through. He was a chain smoker who often had conversations with himself, not to mention the twitches he had. Nothing like an eye twitch or anything, but his hands always seemed like they were ready to grasp something if need be. It was probably a reflex left from being in the military. 

 

The new house was okay but it didn’t really have enough room for all their stuff. By the time everything was moved in, some of it had to stay in boxes. The front door opened to the staircase that led to the upper level and to the left was the small living room. The was a huge doorway between the living room and the tiny dining room where Mom’s beloved cherry wood dining set and hutch dominated the space. There was a sliver of a kitchen through a doorway to the right of the dining room. Mom and Dad’s room was on the first floor at the back of the house and had its own bathroom attached. The upstairs held one bedroom and one bathroom.  Gabriel and Castiel had to share them. It wasn’t even close to ideal because Gabriel liked to listen to Mozart as he fell asleep and Castiel preferred silence- he wanted to be able to hear if anything was coming. The worst part was the no-pets rule their new landlord had. No one was happy about that. Even Daddy was irritated since had taken a liking to their gray and white tabby named Ripper, who was a super sweet little fuzzball but he also liked to rip up anything you put him in- he managed to tear apart a thick plastic pet carrier with just his claws and teeth… Daddy liked the tabby because he had spunk.

 

Thankfully, Grandma Ruby, Daddy’s mom, said they could keep the cats at the storage house next door to her house. She would have taken them in herself, but she and Grandpa Dan had a Great Dane named Akita. Akita was a female dog and she was super sweet if she bothered to get to know you, but she was still a Great Dane and would fiercely protect her family. So they took their cats to new homes- the ones they could take that is. One of the newest kittens, Grayson, had gone to Raphael’s wife, Charlene. Raphael had a cat already that his dad, Chuck, had let him take from the litter that was born in the barn and had named it Puffy. Castiel adored that cat and couldn’t wait for the weekend when Gabriel would go with him to Raph’s house in Monroe. They had a simple two-bedroom trailer home that wasn’t far from Charlene’s parents’ place. It was nice since Raphael was always happy to have them and Castiel always pleaded to stay longer than they were supposed to, but was always told no.

  
Home just wasn’t home anymore…


End file.
